Ada apa dengan Cinta?

Kesal

Jiwa Sakit

hallway of hallucination

never

pantun lepas geram...

kau memang jahat
aku memang benci
sampai hati kau sakitkan hati ini

kau memang jahat
aku takkan lupa sampai mati
akan ku balas jugak dendam ini

kau memang jahat
tapi kau tak kenal siapa aku lagi
aku pun jahat jugak tapi kau tak tau hihihihihi....

kau sebenarnya bodoh
katak bawah tempurung hidup lonely
confirm takkan kau dapat apa yang diingini

kau sebenarnya bodoh
dah lah bodoh ego pulak lagi
macamana aku boleh terbodoh suka kat kau..... eeeee!!!!

kawan ku kata
sampai bila kau nak dendam ni...
aku kata kat dia
entahlah, sampai puas hatiiiiiiii!!!!!

kwangkwangkwang...


.......



.......




.......

hehe!!!

nanti ok???

saya masih belum puas lagi ekk!!!!

A declaration!

I was sharing with my colleague and my boss the other day, on how if we want to change something, we have to declare it a.k.a share with others.  This is to ensure that:

• we are really serious in making the change happen

Sometimes we just wanted something, "keinginan", wish, etc. but we do not have that compelling desire to really make it happen.  One good example that is near to my heart would be to lose weight.  I have been wanting to lose weight since forever but it was just something that came out for my mouth with no action.  But somehow, I don't know what possess me but I finally did lost quite a lot of weight recently which I am so proud of.  (perhaps it has something to do with me being heart broken tsk tsk, does that mean you have to be heart broken first then you can lose weight?? :-p)  Yup, perhaps it was the trigger point.  I was not yet heart broken when I decided to take some action but I have already sensed that something is definitely brewing....

I remembered some time back when someone asked me to give him one good reason on why I needed to lose weight.  At that point he reckoned that I wanted to do it to impressed "a man" (or was it a few men?? haha...) which I denied.  I said, it was for myself..... But then, whilst I am blogging (like right now, I thought, perhaps he was right!!)  I think, though I would still want to deny this fact.... (like as if I can actually lie to myself... tsk, tsk again!) Yup, he was in a way definitely right.  I wanted to look good, especially in the eye of the person that I wanted to impress.  But then, now since all this heart broken saga happened, and I am already thinner and looking "hot" <----- (perasan!), though luck you F%$$##**&!! I am now out to impressed other men... (hahahahhahah....)

Anyway, the point here is; you wanted something to happen, you can't just wait for it to happen, we need to work it.  That's where the compelling desire comes in.... (mesti betul-betul ingin kan perubahan itu, bukan hangat-hangat tahi, whatever, ayam ke, kucing ke, babi ke.... you choose!)

• we have some sort of support from whoever that we choose to share our desirous "change"

This is very important.  I will still use the same example of losing weight.  Everyone in my department knew I was on some sort of diet since last year October and all of them have seen the result since last year December on how I have suddenly became "smaller".  My colleague and my boss has actually appointed me to become their "life coach" to support them in their journey to lose weight too..... (I wonder if I am qualified enough as I am still struggling to maintain my current weight and still have a few more kgs to lose.... 3 kgs to be exact!!!)

But I supposed, by just being supportive, reminding my friends to drink lots of water, not to take too much sugar, to keep away from carbo for atleast 2 weeks, to look for Dukan Diet menu.... thats not too difficult.  Or is it?

• courage to face the issues that comes with the change that we want

Hmmm... to me, this is the hardest part.  I am a total "penakut" when it comes to change.  Change is scary.  Especially when you are so bloody comfortable with the way things are.... One change will definitely have impact on others... like a domino, which will lead to another change and another.  I have been thinner once, thank you to a slimming centre... but I didn't manage to maintain that weight lost because I succumb to my desire to eat with my "friends".  I didn't want to change my "after work activities lepakking with colleagues".  Not that I am blaming them for making me eat... (hahahaha!)  But that was my experience. Am I able to maintain "me" now?

Ofcourse I will!!

...

...

...

Why am I so sure?

Because I have grown...

And become ME!

That's a declaration!

time speaks...

when i think of you
i feel pain
like a knife piercing my heart
that was before

when i think of you
i feel anger
wishing i could strangle you to death
that was yesterday

when i think of you
i still feel pity
looking at how stupid you can be
that is today

i am strong
i am powerful
i care
i love
but
you can never hurt me anymore
that is forever..

Not ever!

When I watched crime stories on television on rape or murder, I have always wondered how the victim or their family members cope with the situation.  I would have imagined that if it happens to me, I will be satisfied if the rapist or the murderer was caught and jailed or hanged or I don't know, anything as long as the person got sentenced.  Then today...

I knew.

It will not be the same.  A rape victim will never feel the same no matter what happen to the rapist.  You will never feel the same if you have been violated in anyway...

In any form.

I was not raped.  I was just being betrayed.

Trust me, same thing, same feeling.... VIOLATED!

And today, I thought I will feel better when karma happens;

..
..
..
..
..

but I did not.

I still feel betrayed, I will not be able to trust YOU ever again.  It will never the same again.  Not ever!

From the bottom of my heart

During my period of mourning, I have encountered many random act of kindness.... Some through friends who truly cares about me, some by people that I befriended some time back who suddenly came into my life back by chance, and those amazing people that I have not even met in person but through the virtual world who touches my heart.

This post is dedicated to all of you.

My promise is that I will come out of this phase.  I will.  I have to.

Thank you so much for being there for me, for allowing me to have that small little place in your heart, for caring and giving me that motivation to look forward to what life has for me....

I've never imagine that I will actually go through this path, I totally believe that Allah wanted me to learn what patience is all about, whether or not I have the endurance to be that muslimah that he wanted me to be, to just be thankful with what I have and not to be selfish, etc. etc.

I don't think all of you know how much I appreciate all those gestures no matter if it is as simple as asking how I was...

Muak...

muak
sudah-sudah la
biarkan dia pergi
lepaskan dia dari hati
jangan mengharap lagi
dia dah pergi

but i will be lying to myself
coz i am not ready to let go

ya allah
please help me
i know you love me
this is your test of endurance and patience
in order for me to learn a lesson or two




ya allah
ampunkan lah dosa-dosa ku
La illa ha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz zolimin
Ya Allah hanya kepadaMu lah aku bertakwa, aku termasuk orang orang yang zalim.....


أََللّهُمَّ إِنَّ مَغْفِرَتَكَ اَرْجَى مِنْ عَمَلِى وَاِنَّ رَحْمَتَكَ اَوْسَعُ مِنْ ذَنْبِى اَللّهُمَّ اِنْ لَمْ اَكُنْ اَهْلاً اَنْ اَبْلُغَ رَحْمَتَكَ فَرَحْمَتُكَ اَهْلاٌ اَنْ تَبْلُغَنِى لإَِنَّهَا وَسِعَتْ كُلَّ شَىْءٍيَا اَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِيْنَ   


Allahumma inna maghfirataka arjaa min 'amalii wainna rahmataka awsa'u min dzanbii, Allahumma in-lam akun ahlan an ablugha rahmataka farahmatuka ahlun an tablughanii liannahaa wasi'at kulla syay-in yaa arhamar-raahimin


"Wahai Tuhanku, sesungguhnya ampunan-Mu lebih aku harapkan daripada perbuatanku, dan rahmat-Mu lebih luas daripada dosaku. Wahai Tuhanku, jika diriku sepatutnya menggapai rahmat-Mu, tapi rahmat-Mu lebih patut menjangkau diriku, kerana bentangan rahmat-Mu merantai segala sesuatu, wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih yang berbelas kasih."


Maghrib yang sangat hiba 7.16 p.m. Tropicana Medical Centre, 5 Januari 2011

promises not kept...

there are times
when I need you
to be here
so much

those times
I just felt
I am just
out of breath

I am such a FOOL
to miss you
hoping that
you will too

how do i
mend this heart
to just erase and forget
your promises not kept?

singing a sad song..

songs that make you smile

songs that make you cry

singing song of the blues...

happy new year!

Karma

Do you believe in karma? I don't even know what the word means, but I know that what goes around comes around...

So people, you better be careful of what you do, what you wish for, etc. as it may eventually haunt you for the rest of your life....

criss cross

the mind and the heart

their path didn't cross....

coz the heart thought

it will not get lost

but heart being a heart

knows it will not last 

the heart has lost!

Evil Thoughts

freaks me out when i think evil thoughts
coz i am no evil
but my thoughts are evil
then am i evil?

this is all your fault
that i am evil...

all your fault
all your fault
coz i am no evil!

Allowing My Inner Light to Guide Me

Copied this from one of the blogs that I follow with slight tweaks to suit my declaration to the universe...

"I know that there comes a time when I must stand alone.  I must be confident enough to follow my own dreams.  I must be willing to make sacrifices.  I definitely must be capable of changing and rearranging my priorities so that my final goal can be achieved.  Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.  There are times when I must take a few extra chances and create my own realities.  Be strong enough to at least make my life better.  Be confident enough that I won't settle for a compromise just to get by. Appreciate myself by allowing me the opportunities to grow, develop and my true sense of purpose in this life.  I won't stand in someone else's shadow when it is my sunlight that should lead the way."

I am truly sorry

I am truly sorry that you cannot accept me for who I am.. 
But I will tell you one thing I am me and I WILL NOT apologize for that. I am me, whether you like it or not. 


I am not here for you to control, I am not here for you to judge. 
And if that is all you want then leave me alone cause it isn't going to happen. 


I have been in the position way too many times of being in others control and changing for others because they didn't like me.
Well not anymore.. 

I am me nothing more, nothing less. I am me whether you like me or not. I am me take it or leave it. It is your choice, but when you decide to try and change me and control me that is when it becomes MY choice to stay away from negativity. 


I am me.. And I am sorry if you cannot accept that... 

Andai ku miliki semalam..

DUNIA ini terlalu HINA untuk membuat kita MENANGIS... Terlalu MURAH untuk membuat kita BERSEDIH.. Terlalu LEMAH membuat kita PUTUS ASA.... Memang ALLAH SWT tidak menjanjikan Langit itu selalu BIRU, Bunga itu selalu MEKAR, Mentari itu selalu BERSINAR, Tetapi ketahuilah bahawa ALLAH SWT memberi PELANGI di setiap BADAI, SENYUM di setiap AIR MATA, BERKAH di setiap MUSIBAH, Dan JAWAPAN di setiap DOA.. Alhamdullillah......

Ya Allah ya tuhan ku,
I beg you to give me the strength to go through this trying moments, for me to stay sane in my own insanity, for me to be back on the route of a muslimah...  Lembutkan lah hatiku ya allah untuk menerima ketentuan...

In Denial...